Surpassing the average life expectancy I don’t suppose we
can call either’s passing “tragic” but the instructional twins, Dear
Abby and Ann Landers are gone (not news, the last one kicked off a year and a
half ago). Always looking for
opportunities, I’m thinking I should follow in their shoes.
Am I qualified for the position…barely a problem, situation
or dilemma arises in which I don’t have an opinion. Give me a day or two to ruminate and solutions
abound. To fortify my case I’m going to
answer a few “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers” questions from past years.
Break: That’s where I was on the blog before I started
looking at the questions. It took several
attempts before I realized people who write to advice columnists don’t need
advice, they need common sense. It’s hard to show compassionate to the stupid. Below are a few examples…I’m not proud of my
work.
“Is it OK for a husband to spank his wife?” Hell yes! if she’d into that sort of stuff.
“How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes
are?” Explaining female issues to men is
like explaining to your dog the rationale behind not jumping on visitors: his
brain doesn’t have the ability to process the information. Kick his feet from under him, speak in an
angry voice and he’ll learn how to act.
“Our son was married last weekend, and because we’re of
Celtic heritage, I chose to wear a beautiful dress from Ireland. Because it has
short sleeves I brought a shawl to keep warm. When I asked my husband why he
never said I looked nice, he replied he didn’t know whether I looked nice
because he “couldn’t see me under that damned blanket!” What can I do to get past this awful feeling
that we’re going in opposite directions?”
Ask your doctor about hormone therapy.
“My girlfriend
doesn’t understand the difference between joking with my friends and serious
flirting. How can I help her?” Yes she does…dumbass.
"Can a boy be normal and knit in public?" Nope.
“I spend some of my time communicating with and texting male
friends from the past and one of my ex-husbands. Is this considered cheating?” Soon.
“My wife and I are getting a divorce. We have no children but want to negotiate shared
custody of our dog. Should I get a
lawyer?” Get a vasectomy.
After reading a bundle of “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers”
questions I’ve classified them into three categories: people who already know
the answer but don’t like it, people who are complaining about situations they
have no intention of changing and those who were raised in cribs covered in
lead paint.
Decent advice would sound something like “try a preacher, a
therapist or booze”… I’m not interested in decent advice, I’m more interested
in entertaining myself. Since bad advice
could prove detrimental I’m pushed toward avoiding advice columnist. Since anyone seeking advice from an advice
columnist deserves what they get, I’m not pushed hard.
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