Thursday, June 19, 2014

I’m Not Pushed Hard



Surpassing the average life expectancy I don’t suppose we can call either’s passing “tragic” but the instructional twins, Dear Abby and Ann Landers are gone (not news, the last one kicked off a year and a half ago).  Always looking for opportunities, I’m thinking I should follow in their shoes.
Am I qualified for the position…barely a problem, situation or dilemma arises in which I don’t have an opinion.  Give me a day or two to ruminate and solutions abound.  To fortify my case I’m going to answer a few “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers” questions from past years. 
Break: That’s where I was on the blog before I started looking at the questions.  It took several attempts before I realized people who write to advice columnists don’t need advice, they need common sense. It’s hard to show compassionate to the stupid.  Below are a few examples…I’m not proud of my work.
“Is it OK for a husband to spank his wife?”  Hell yes! if she’d into that sort of stuff.
“How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes are?”  Explaining female issues to men is like explaining to your dog the rationale behind not jumping on visitors: his brain doesn’t have the ability to process the information.  Kick his feet from under him, speak in an angry voice and he’ll learn how to act.
“Our son was married last weekend, and because we’re of Celtic heritage, I chose to wear a beautiful dress from Ireland. Because it has short sleeves I brought a shawl to keep warm. When I asked my husband why he never said I looked nice, he replied he didn’t know whether I looked nice because he “couldn’t see me under that damned blanket!”  What can I do to get past this awful feeling that we’re going in opposite directions?”  Ask your doctor about hormone therapy.
 “My girlfriend doesn’t understand the difference between joking with my friends and serious flirting.  How can I help her?”  Yes she does…dumbass.
"Can a boy be normal and knit in public?"  Nope.
“I spend some of my time communicating with and texting male friends from the past and one of my ex-husbands.  Is this considered cheating?”  Soon.
“My wife and I are getting a divorce.  We have no children but want to negotiate shared custody of our dog.  Should I get a lawyer?”  Get a vasectomy.
After reading a bundle of “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers” questions I’ve classified them into three categories: people who already know the answer but don’t like it, people who are complaining about situations they have no intention of changing and those who were raised in cribs covered in lead paint.    
Decent advice would sound something like “try a preacher, a therapist or booze”… I’m not interested in decent advice, I’m more interested in entertaining myself.  Since bad advice could prove detrimental I’m pushed toward avoiding advice columnist.  Since anyone seeking advice from an advice columnist deserves what they get, I’m not pushed hard. 

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