My People Must’ve Evolved in Air Conditioning

I sweat like a fat guy.  I’d attribute that to my being a fat guy were it not for my sons, who aren’t, but also sweat like they are.  The medical term is hyperhidrosis and it’s probably a minor malfunction of the nervous system…kinda like hoarding…and insanity...

I was one of those kids, even when I was bone thin in the early years (I fattened like a calf between third and fourth grade), that smelled like pennies and had sweaty hair six months out of the year.  I distinctly remember walking to a grocery store in my youth, on a particularly warm early spring day with my Grandma and thinking, “Crap, first sweat of the year, I’ll keep on until Fall.”

All this comes to mind because I spent half of last week (mid-July) building a pergola in Tulsa.  Four days of windless sun and humidity. I’m adapted to the ‘dry heat’ of my own home’s summers, (reasonably adapted, sweat still flows like a shower), but Tulsa in July feels like the foyer to hell.   

It was a three shirt heat.  I’d sweat through a shirt, lay it to dry in the sun, sweat through a second, lay it to dry, and then go through a third, hoping the first had dried before the last was too gross to wear.  It usually hadn’t.   I also rotated bandanas, shorts and boxers, luckily for the neighbors there was a wooden fence. 

A constant intake of water with periodic gulps of Gatorade kept things pretty much operating normally.  There was an incident involving grip release of a ratchet while screwing in lag bolts.  My left hand didn’t want to let go, but a little help from the right hand to straighten fingers, a banana for potassium and I was back to work in ten minutes.  Other than that and an occasional angry outburst at Mother Nature for being a heartless bi…well, minor dehydration and low electrolytes seem to be the only adverse physical effects.  Mentally, profuse perspiration can be a little wearing but a person gets used to it.

Hyperhidrosis can be the result of health issues like pregnancy or menopause (right age, wrong gender), thyroid problems, tuberculosis, Parkinson's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, stroke, cancer (don’t seem to be issues), diabetes or alcoholism (not in my youth, anyway).  But my hyperhidrosis is Primary Focal Hyperhidrosis (self-diagnosis…always a good idea), which just means it’s part of who I am…a gross, sweaty dude. 

There are a few cures: antiperspirant (use it…but just in the pits), iontophoresis (shock therapy), drugs (not a fan of taking medicine), Botox (deadly food poison injected on purpose) and surgery to cut the nerve that triggers the sweating (a bit extreme).  Since those all seem a touch unhealthy I’m choosing to deal with the perspiration in a more traditional fashion, ignoring it.

Much like snoring and back hair, if my wife were to really complain I’d do something about it, but she doesn’t.  As it stands, I like working outside and summertime encompasses most of my free time so the sweating isn’t likely to stop; a shower or two and several clothes changes a day will have to suffice.  But the older I get, the more I think my people must’ve evolved in air conditioning.